Dear Nancy
Mother's Day; My response to moms in an older rider group on FB where a mother was feeling sad, as she does every Mother's Day, when her child does not acknowledge her on that day.
And then other mothers chimed in who deal with it by telling themselves it doesn't matter, it is just a Hallmark holiday to make people spend money, they understand their adult kids are busy, and they just stay focused on being happy that their adult kids are doing well, etc. etc.
Some even said, "I would NEVER want my child to feel obligated!"
Another said, "I would NEVER say anything and have them feel guilty about not acknowledging me on Mother's Day!"
And the question on the original FB post was: is this a generational thing of selfish and entitled kids?
My answer:
Did someone say commandment? And someone else said love and respect? We teach people how to treat us. And we need to teach children how to show gratitude, love, and respect. And how NOT to hurt others.
Just common sense; regardless if it is Hallmark's fault for creating a national day to thank your mother. EVERYONE knows a parent would appreciate acknowledgement in whatever form the grown adult CAN do on that particular day IN ADDITION to any other days of communication.
I remember a morning when I was a child, I didn't do anything for Mother's Day and my father rained holy hell down on me. He was a former Marine.
("I love the smell of napalm in the morning." Quote from Apocalypse Now. )
He asked me why I didn't do anything for Mother's Day, and I said I didn't because I didn't feel like it cause she had been mean to me. He yelled at me saying, "Nancy, it's not about YOU and how YOU feel. It is about caring how other people feel and not doing something hurtful. It's about doing the right thing anyway, REGARDLESS of how you FEEL. She is your mother and that is the right thing to do and those are our rules for this house!'
Something like that. Then I was warned in no uncertain terms that it better NOT ever happen again.
It is called parenting. (IMHO) And it is teaching etiquette. And training children how to show up in their lives and behave as if they are well bred and capable of doing what's right ... ESPECIALLY when they don't feel like doing it.
This seems to be the challenge with kids today; making them do things they don't want to do. And then excusing them for not doing it.
Raise the standards! Acknowledgement of Mother's Day is NOT rocket science. It is not expensive or time consuming for people with busy lives. Give me a break! This is a BS excuse and story, ESPECIALLY in the era of cell phones!
Let's call it what it is; Not acknowledging Mother's Day is selfish and rude!
All that being said, we had a small window of opportunity to teach our children to do the right thing even if they didn't feel like it. So for some of us, that window is now gone.
What could we have taught them?
Obligation is NOT a negative. We absolutely have to teach children the value of obligation. It is the cousin of gratitude and civility. If someone helps them get into college or to get a job, they should be obligated to return the favor or at least send a thank you card! A neighbor helps you out? Yes, you should feel obligated to return the favor. Obligation makes you do the right thing at the right time. It's the concept of paying it forward by paying backwards!
What about that guilt? Guilt is NOT the boogeyman although children may want to get us to believe it so we won't "use it" on them because of the pain it causes them. But guess what? The only way for people to stay on course or to break a bad habit is to want to move away from pain and to move towards pleasure. But moving away from pain is what is usually the most powerful leverage.
This is why GOD (not parents) programmed our brain with software for guilt; it is his tool for leverage that he GIFTED to us to use as leverage for our own behavior. This is where the term "moral compass" comes from. Allowing children to run away from that powerful leverage is flat out dangerous and therefore irresponsible.
The solution:
All relationship issues are rules issues. A parent's rule may be to acknowledge Mother's Day, and the grown adult may have chosen to adopt alternative rules for their lives. This is what causes pain in all relationships; not caring to find out what other people's values and rules are and then either ignoring them or showing love and compassion by respecting them.
So if it is your child's own rules that they don't have to do Mother's Day, then that is their choice to do. Just different rules. The only option there is to change YOUR rules to match theirs: "You are right! Mother's Day is something you can absolutely, totally ignore!"
(But beware of two traps; one is that this just helps to make them FEEL better about continuing their behavior and two, make sure you adopt your new rule without becoming the angry martyr.)
So if that is the case that you have no choice other than to let go of your feelings, values, and rules because they absolutely won't consider your feelings or what is important to you, then there are plenty of little kids with stressed out moms who will shower you back with heartfelt hugs for some extra attention and plenty of lonely moms and grand mothers out there going through the same pain on Mother's Day! Focus on cheering others up and getting love inside your heart by giving it away!
Tony Robbins explains this solution well. The feeling of love you get from others giving it to you is the exact same feeling of love inside of yourself when you give love to others. So if you want to feel the feeling of love, you don't need to wait for others to give it to you. Generate it inside of yourself by giving love to others.
(And isn't that the lesson we want our kids to have? That giving love to others, even if they don't initially feel like it at the time, is actually giving THEM the opportunity to see how it can fill THEIR hearts and also to feel self respect for having done the right thing ANYWAY?)
Make a decision to have the best Mother's Day ever ... for some other mother you know, and you WILL feel love inside of your heart.
Don't give away your power to be happy. We can't control grown adults. You gave your kids your all ... multiplied over 100 times! Time to set boundaries to protect your heart. Draw the line at handing over the reins and giving away to them your peace of mind and joy.
No one can break your heart on Mother's Day, or ever, unless you allow them to. And that's on you! That IS within your control.
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