Dear Nancy,
No one likes to feel rejected or abandoned.
Try to get the rejected person to wrap that experience up with a pretty bow!
Not gonna happen.
At least not when the wound is fresh.
But the truth is ...
Leaving relationships, or being left in relationships, is a BIG issue in everyone's life.
Even those for whom it doesn't appear that they have an issue with walking away or being left.
Yup, some people are insanely good "I'm done/it's over/moving on" habits.
(If you think that you would like to be THAT person, think of someone you know who has been married and divorced too many times!)
How does this relate to riding?
Well first, for many riders, the "issue" is all about the trainer.
If the relationship is strained, that is a distraction from learning and growing and staying focused.
If the relationship is good, then some riders are driven by the need (or fear) to not dissapoint their trainer.
Or their team. And that can be just a powerfully "distracting", if not out and out sabotaging.
Yes, it's true!
I have had riders that as soon as they started to win the champhionship ribbons, they suddenly started sabotaging those wins.
Why?
They were fearful that they were alienating their barn mates. Placing a higher value on the relationships over winning.
(If you read my book, you will remember that coaching story!)
What about the successes in your riding that will then drive you to move up and buy a better horse?
How will that financial decision effect your relationship with your significant other?
Rejection or abandonment, be it real or imagined, is a driving force.
Going through life stuck as if it isn't, is NOT going to change the eventual OUTCOME of your DECISION to remain stuck.
"Decisions effect your destiny." Tony Robbins
The good news is; rejection/abandonment/letting go doesn't HAVE to be a negative driving force.
Once we have calmed down, reduced, and desensitized the initial emotional responses behind it ...
We can then move on to other motivating factors that would make us feel good about the actual or potential "loss" with rejection or abandonment.
And that's the answer right there!
Why are we choosing to see it as a loss?
Understand and separate the FEELING of loss with the FACTS of that experience.
After all, how are these losses?
The trainer that is abusive or can't step us up?
The over demanding and over controlling employer that doesn't care about our emotional or physical health?
The passive agressive husband or significant other that cheats on us or refuses to carry their weight?
The friends that are only friends if it is a benefit to them?
The self-absorbed parents living out their dreams through your life with emotionally manipulative carrot and stick stategies?
The selfish adult child that has decided to not be in your life in a meaningful way?
When we get honest about the negative effect we have ALLOWED this to have on us ...
How it keeps tripping us up and holding us back ...
We can then make a DECISION and CHOOSE to see potential or actual rejection as us having dodged a bullet!
It's not just, "If you can't turn it It around, it is not a good fit!"
If you are still controlled by the relationship, clearly that wimpy statement was not powerful enough to wake you up and make you COVER AND MOVE!
NOW!
Go ahead and demonize the relationship! (Instead of demonizing change/uncertainty, being alone or starting over with someone new.)
The leverage that is most powerful is ... moving away from pain!
So telling yourself it isn't that bad, it's not causing problems, and your mental and physical health (and riding success) isn't taking a hit ...
Is nonsense.
And self-sabotage.
There is nothing to fear with all this except the fear of the fear!
It is NOT the bad news when you realize that you dodged a bullet by walking away or someone else making that decision for you first!
The answers to peak performance is in the details.
The real truth of the details is up to you to decide and to frame it in a way that will serve you best!
What is the REAL truth of the details of your riding execution as well as the details of how you execute the rest of your life?
What is the real truth about the relationship and/or the power you have given away to it?
Three steps forward is great ...
But not if the next 4 steps you take are backwards to stay stuck in the fear of moving away from relationships that are NOT contributing to moving you forward into ...
A life of JOY!
Guys ... the whole point of life is JOY!
Sometimes it is not about finding the joy as much as it is dodging the bullets that are killing the joy!
Step one is to identify and label the bullets ... as bullets!
So you WILL realize the only answer is to COVER AND MOVE!
Having to move away from pain, or having that decision to move on made for you by someone else, is not a defeat.
It is a WIN!
You weren't rejected or abandoned.
You successfully dodged a harmful bullet!
Where is the JOY in spending time with someone you don't like or who doesn't REALLY want to be with you?
Let go with gratitude of having dodged a bullet, and now you can move forward into living and FEELING the joy in your riding and life!
Stay courageous and strong! (And moving on straight and forward!)
Nancy Dye
Breakthough Mental Skills Coach
Emotional Strength & Resiliency
Trainer Strategic Interventionist
1-561-866-0402
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